Refined

Hey friends.

It's been almost a month since I've blogged last. 

In fairness I did tell you I was going to take a break from all things cancer related. 

Well, the break ended and man did I fall apart all over again. 

Honest.  

And since we are being honest.  You've missed me haven't you!? I know that you probably have been just sitting on your living room couch watching cars drive by (or the lack of cars because of snow and so you have just been watching your kids fight and want to poke each others eyes out because you have had SO MANY no school days....I digress)....and waiting for me to blog.  

And also. 

I miss me too. 

So, I am trying really hard to get "me" back.  

Only I am realizing that I am not really getting something back. 

It is actually like we are all going to have to get used to a "new me" 

Not to worry: 

I will still be funny. (hilarious in fact)

I will still be concerned about my hair, even if it is not even cute or growing very much right now. 

I will still be a teeny tiny bit of a perfectionist. (just a teeny tiny bit though....)

I will still be a struggling mom. 

I will still be a friend who worries if she is a good enough friend. 

I will still be hopefully optimistic during the day and then break down at night (no wonder Eric thinks I am such a basket case...by the time he sees me I am DONE with the day and with cancer and with kids and with life pretty much.  I hit my limit right around dinner time and then it all just goes downhill from there.  Seriously though, does anyone else wish that their spouse could see them like with makeup on and real clothes and a smile on their face instead of a shirt with kid booggers and black underneath your eyes and a "get over here and help me before I kill a child" look on your face? Because if he wants to see me with cute clothes and a smile and makeup I would say sometime around 1:00 pm is a good time, since usually I have showered by then and am at my prime right before I lay down for a nap with Tess. Anyway, back to the blog)

I will still be wanting things to be clean all the time. 

I will still be tired, a lot. 

I will still be constantly looking for new dinner ideas that don't take hours to make. (I need an Insta-pot huh?)

I will still be a sister. 

I will still be my parents favorite a daughter. 

I will still be a wife. 

I wil still be a basket-case most of the time. 

I will still be me.......

I've figured out (with the help of family and friends and professional help and a really patient husband) that things are never really going to be back to how they were before August of 2016.  Ever.  It's pretty sobering actually, and 6 months later I am just barely beginning to accept this fact and wrap my head around it.  I will never be the same me. 

I will be a better version of me. 

Because I have and am continuing to be refined. 

I loved this section from an talk given over 10 years ago by James E. Faust:  my thoughts in the blue....or at least some of them. 

"Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting if chemo isn't despairing and painful I don't know what is. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone dealing with the heartbreak of my children and close family and friends has been one of the most difficult things about this , including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful right?! this is where the why me question sometimes comes into play.

The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard so, so hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength I love this promise, and hope I can continue to build faith with beauty and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process." I've always wanted to be perfect...so really I am just a few steps closer.  

This refining really is a part of the process of becoming who the Lord would like me to become -- and really, what he wants our family to become, because it is affecting ALL of us, not just me.  It is a true refining and testing and difficult and all worth it....we will never be the same as we were before this. We will be better.   

"The Divine Shepherd has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet I have lived this the last 6 months and know that I am much more aware of the sweet now, as well as appreciating the day after long nights. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless. I have wondered frequently how this is a blessing, but it truly is....Out of the refiner’s fire can come a glorious deliverance. It can be a noble and lasting rebirth. The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid. There can come a sacred peace.This peace is what has sustained me time and time again. There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. A comfortable cloak of righteousness will be drawn around us to protect us and to keep us warm spiritually."

So, what will this refined, new and improved me be like!? Verdict is out still. But I think it is going to be pretty awesome.