When my new Jewish friend, strengthened my faith

So, I started this post when I was in Jerusalem.  We've been home a week now, and I am just finding time to finish it....

I am in Jerusalem.
Seriously. Right now.  I am sitting in a hotel room, a hop skip and a jump (or like  a mile) from the Old City of Jerusalem, the Temple Mount, the Western Wall and a zillion other amazing sites to be seen in the surrounding areas.

As I am sure you are well aware, Jerusalem (or Palestine) is rich in religion and history and faith.
I was lucky enough to study and live here as a student about 20 years ago.
20 years is a very long time.

Long enough that at this point it is mostly my memories that have been keeping my love of the city alive.  That and really great pictures taken with a camera that had film in it.  Film guys, actual rolls of film.  I think I developed something like 24 rolls of film after living here.  I have really amazing pictures like this.  (man I loved that dress....and look at my "long" hair)

Well, today I am back.
Back to the sights and smells and all the feelings.
Some things I don't recall at all, and others send waves of emotion and remembrance when I enter them again.

One of my favorite things to do when I was a student here was to come to the Western Wall (or wailing wall as some refer to it) to celebrate and witness the Jewish Faith as they usher in their sabbath.  It is truly a celebration.  They are singing and dancing and of course praying.  The Western Wall area, is actually a synagogue (house of worship) and because of that we are unable to take pictures on Sabbath because the use of electronics is forbidden.  Sabbath or Shabbat begins at sundown on Friday evening and extends until the sun sets the next day.

Last night we went to the Western Wall, together with other members of our group.  The security was tightened but other than that it was just like it was 20 years ago.  Only, I am not who I was 20 years ago.

I have learned and grown and struggled and learned again the past 20 years.
Over and over and over.

Last night as I approached the Western Wall with a prayer in my heart I didn't really expect a whole lot. Honest, raw truth:  I have been struggling to feel like my prayers are really "answered" lately.  Well, really I think I am afraid to ask for what I really want, because I am just not there yet.


Walking through the old city and visiting all the sites these past few days where Jesus helaled the sick, restored sight, blessed the infirm and even raised the dead has been sort of a hard thing for me.

Is it just that I don't have enough faith? That has been my thought over and over.
Maybe I could be healed but I'm just not righteous enough.
Maybe it is that my prayers haven't really been for healing, but rather for understanding.  Maybe I am not offering the right prayers?




Back to the Western Wall.
It is pretty awe inspiring to see thousands of Jewish men and women, making their way to the Western Wall to pray and offer their worship.  Right there at the wall of the Temple Mount.

They sing
They dance.
They pray.
They back away from the wall after their prayers are offered, out of respect.
And it is beautiful.

(like I said no pictures, since it is the sabbath so you will just have to imagine it much more full then this picture that was taken a few days later)

I had offered my own prayer, as respectfully as possible.
I personally don't believe that you need to be at the western wall to pray or be heard.
I do, however believe that our Heavenly Father Listens.  Just as the Jews believe that God listens to them.

I believe that He listened to me.



As we were watching across the barricade separating the men and the women (which isn't against the rules), a Jewish woman stood up by myself and a few of the women in our group.  She asked where we were from and indicated that she was also from the United States but had come here for the unveiling of her mothers burial site. We began to ask her some questions that we had about the women and what we had seen that night (I am sure I learned a lot of this as a student, but had forgotten-- I mean, cut me some slack it has been 20 years).

I learned that she was a teacher, who was becoming a principal and married to an accountant.
Uncanny the similarities.
She had 6 children and lives in the united States.
She has a rich Jewish heritage, which included her mother whom she was back to "visit" at the unveiling of her burial site on Mt. Zion.

Her mother, who had just passed away in October.
after a 30 year battle with cancer.
A battle that began when this little girl was 5 years old.
happenstance.
I don't think so.

Honestly, parts of this trip have been a little bit hard for me.  Like I said earlier, we have visited many sites where Jesus performed miracles.  Miracles of calming the waters, healing the sick and even raising the dead.
Miracles.
For others.

I have questioned my faith. 
Numerous times. 

I have not been "healed".
I still am nauseous at least 70% of my waking hours.
I still can't feel my fingers and toes.
I still puke at the faintest smell of something off.
I still have cancer.
I still have to go home to never ending chemotherapy treatments.
I still have to answer my children's questions about why I don't feel well.

I must not have enough faith. 
It sure isn't because we haven't asked for healing powers.
I've asked.
So, it must be me, right? It's my lack of faith. 

(I get it that this is totally irrational, but I never promised that this blog was going to be rational or anything close to it.  Honesty yes, but rational, not so much.) 

View from the Jerusalem Center

This is where my Jewish friend comes back into play.  

It was like she was an answer to the prayer that I was too scared to even utter. 

What I really want to know isn't if I am going to be healed -- I feel very strongly (as does Eric) that the miracle of healing is not the miracle that is occurring for us. (and to be clear there are miracles, but that is a separate post all together). 

What I want to know is if my faith is sufficient and that my children and family are going to be taken care of, one way or another.  Will Tess, who cheers when I return the chemo pump every really know life without cancer or a mom who she is constantly saying "you Otay mom" to as I throw up and she watches?  Will Lauren ever actually talk about how she feels instead of trying to just be perfect? Will she ever just buy a new pair of shorts like a normal 12 year old instead of saving every penny she earns for cancer research? Will Natalie ever stop writing angry letters to cancer and leaving them where I can see them?  Will the people I love be okay.....without me here, eventually. 

My Jewish friend was the tool our Father in Heaven used to answer my unuttered, personal, heartfelt prayer.  

And the answer is yes.  

Yes, your children and family our being taken care of now and they will continue to be blessed.  

Yes, your faith is sufficient. 

Western Wall 

Her simple story was nothing more elaborate than that her mother had been sick, but lived her life and left a legacy of faith and love and trust.  It was just what I needed to hear. She testified to me of a loving God, who is in control.  She was my answer. 

Yes, Tess will be okay.  Someday she will be that mother of 6 children, who shares with someone else about her own mother who fought cancer. Fought it hard, and only died when her work here on earth was done. (which for the record is nowhere close to done). 

Yes, Lauren will be okay.  Someday she may talk to a stranger about how her own faith was strengthened as she learned to care for her mom, who was sick with cancer. 

Yes, Natalie will be okay.  Someday she might write about her experiences working through emotions of fear and hurt and worry and share it with others who may be struggling as well with similar feelings. 

So, thank you to my new Jewish friend.  You strengthened my faith and spoke just the words I needed to hear. You were the answer to my prayers at the wall that day and I will forever be grateful.