Summer and scars and total exhaustion

I haven't posted much this summer.  Really, I haven't posted at all.

I've just been doing chemo trying to keep myself alive and doing summer and trying to keep my kids alive.  I think they tie for being equally difficult.

July was more than I could even wrap my head around, and then August came and I had a total mental breakdown.

Mostly because I am tired exhausted beyond being able to even function. 

And then I try to keep it all together for my kids, who deserve to have a summer and do fun things and explore and play.  

But usually I just lose my mind and my temper by about 7:40. AM. 

(we get up early around here, like 6:00 AM, so don't judge).  I try to have a good hour of patience, but about the time Eric walks out the door to work I am overwhelmed and wondering how I am going to find the energy to get dressed, let alone be a mom or a functioning human being. 

That said, I am pretty darn good at faking it, for a while.  

Like trips to the park and the library and playing barbies and taking walks and taking Tess to the potty 9 zillion times a day. 

 

And then I crack.  

I feel like Humpty Dumpty.  (you know the nursery rhyme).  

It is like I am sitting on this really high, unstable, rickety, cancer filled wall.  

And when I fall off I. am. done.  

Not even ALL the King's horses and ALL the king's men can put me together again.  

And believe me you guys are all trying to help put me back together, constantly and without all the help I have I would just be a pile of pieces sitting on the ground in a heap. 

There are just too many pieces and I feel like it is so overwhelming to put it all back together.   

Then I will have a good week off of chemo (or 4-5 days), but then I have to go back again.  I sorta hate it, truth be told. 

But the chemo is keeping me alive, even if I am broken. 

I guess you can only crack the same thing so many times and put it together and then it cracks again and then you put it together again and then it cracks again......and every single time it feels like there are a few pieces that I just don't get put back.  There are holes and scars....lots of them. I am not the person I was a year ago. Not even close.  I feel broken. I know this feeling won't last forever, but right now the chemo is lasting forever (seriously) and while I am grateful that it is working, aka keeping the cancer from growing, it is hard, really hard. 

 

Anyway, that's all I've got for now.