gifts

Tess has a birthday coming up.

She talks about it. non-stop.

This morning on our early morning run walk.  (Who am I kidding I don't run lately, I don't even "rog" (that is a run/jog).  I just walk.  Anyway, on our walk she talked about her bday for the entire cold, dark, rainy 35 minutes walked to show her that the ducks were not awake yet (I told her she should still be sleeping like the ducks were and she told me she wasn't a duck).  I tried.

So, this morning as we talked about her bday she decided she wanted a cake shaped like a present.  Naturally.  Her bday is all about the presents she is going to get.
It's okay. I don't think she is abnormally selfish or spoiled.
She is turning 3.
It should be all about her presents, and her friends and a cake.

And since we are talking about birthdays, and presents you should all know that it is my birthday this month, actually before Tess' if we want to be fair.  I should have been talking about my bday plans as we walked.  Good thing I am more understanding of time and taking turns than my almost 3 year old.  

So, as we were talking about gifts it made me really think about cancer.  Odd, right.

 I am not going to tell you cancer is a gift.  Cancer is super lame and it always will be.  

There have, however, been gifts that we have received because of the cancer.
In fact, tonight we just had our family pictures taken, a gift from a talented, kind photographer and friend.  And that is just one example of the many, gestures of kindness -- gifts that we have been given.

I could try to list them all, but I know I will miss too many if I try to be too specific and then I will feel horrible, but it includes things like:

* meals being provided for my family....over and over.
* childcare when I can't care for the girls myself -- humbling and hard.
* rides to and from school and extra curricular  activities when I can't drag myself out of bed
* a hand to hold while puking
* text messages sent just when they are needed
* packages in the mail with just the right "love" sent our way
* visitors from near and far who do things like clean my fridge and pantry and all sorts of disgustingness.
* a listening ear while I cry and complain
* prayers, so many prayers and thoughts in our behalf.

You get the idea, the list could go on and on.


This picture depicts a lot of my feelings about the gifts I am receiving.
It is called: She will find what was lost by B. Kershisnik

Eric just bought me this framed print as an early birthday present -- since he is going to be out of town for my birthday.  He knows how to make it right.
Beautiful, right?
This depicts all of you blessing me.

So, it begs the question then, what am I even giving back. 
All I do is take.  

This is something I have discussed at length with my therapist -- yep, I have a therapist and it is serious business folks.  Dealing with all of this has been nothing short of a disaster for me emotionally.

I really struggle with accepting all these gifts and not being able to feel like I am reciprocating at all.

And knowing that it isn't going to end.
Like there isn't going to be a day where all of a sudden I am just well and on the giving instead of receiving end again.
The cold, hard truth is that it will most likely get a lot worse before I am on the "giving end" of the spectrum again.

Anyway.  It is hard. Really hard and humbling and comforting and a challenge all at once to be on the receiving end of such generous acts of friendship and kindness and love for me and my loved ones.

Short of praying and expressing my thanks to my Heavenly Father EVERY. SINGLE. OPPORTUNITY. I. GET, I don't know what else to do. 

Sending thank you cards (which I do), seems not enough.
Saying thank you (which I do) seems even more lame.
Crying over the quarts and quarts of grape juice (which I did) that a friend made just for you because you commented on his Facebook post that it looked delicious seems overly emotional.

So, what do I do?

I want to be the gift giver. Not taker.
All I am giving is sadness and grief.  Or at least it feels that way.

Back to my therapist, she read me this little piece of poetry and I have been thinking about it a lot.

She says that I am, in fact, giving those that serve me a gift.  I get it. But also I don't. I know if the roles were reversed I wouldn't see someone in my shoes as a burden or just taking and not giving and blah, blah, blah. But it is always easier said then done to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

I feel like what I am gifting all of you is a box full of darkness.
Cancer filled darkness. 
My children get the me with cancer. The me that pukes in the middle of a meal.
Eric gets the me with cancer.  The me whose emotional stability is so up and down that the poor guys never knows what I am going to do.
 My siblings and parents and wonderful in-laws and relatives get the me with cancer. The me who cannot be relied on for much other than a nap in the middle of the day.
My friends get the me with cancer.  The me who texts through her tears that she isn't going to make it to the outing because I feel yucky.

You get the idea.  Not much of a gift when you look at it like that.  So, I am trying to look at it a different way.

Since my birthday is coming up, maybe you could all just indulge me and give it some thought.    How is this box full of darkness I have handed you a gift?

*I think that this may be the "deepest" blogpost I have ever written so I will just lighten the mood with the fact that Tess wants to be a poop emoji for halloween.....she is such a gift of laughter to all of us.  I am sure there will be pictures, lots of them.