Trusting my Father

Some of you most likely don't know this about me, but to those of you who have known me through my teens and/or early young adulthood years this will come as no surprise:

I am kind of a homebody.
I love home.  Wherever that is.
Right now my home is in Oregon, with these people:

 
But home is also these people:

And anywhere with these people:

When I was the old age of 17 I went away to college.  Scary thought, even now.  I thought I was so grown up, ready to leave my home. Turns out, I called home incessantly and suffered feeling homesick like I had never felt before.  Every time I would call, my dad would tell me to go make some friends and call him back with their names.  Then he would hang up on me.  Sounds cruel, but he knew exactly what was best for me. My father knew better than I did.   I made good friends, grew up and survived that first year of college and then went on study abroad in Jerusalem.  Once again, no newsflash for any of you who who have spend any amount of time with me, but I tended to be a little bit uptight.  (See how I put "tended"as if I am not uptight anymore.)   I was really worried about getting straight A's and keeping a perfect GPA.  I happened to have my dad as one of my professors.  I studied and studied and he gave me a B+.  I knew I had earned an A.  He gave me a B+.  I was so angry. He had ruined my perfect GPA and in my own mind had ruined my chances of ever doing anything successful in life.  My life was ruined.  His words to me:  "This is the nicest thing I could ever do for you. You will thank me later." My father knew better than I did.  Him giving me that B+ helped me to simmer down a little bit, enjoy being a student and funny enough I ended up actually being successful in life and school, even with that B+.  When I arrived home from Jerusalem at the end of that semester I was happy to live at home with my family and commute to school.  (Remember that homebody part. I loved being home.)  It was comfortable and easy and I was with all the people I loved.  After about 2 months of living at home, my dad came to room one day and told me that he had signed me a contract at a house to live with some other girls.  7 other girls to be exact.  I was so upset. What was he thinking? I loved being at home.  I loved driving into work with him each morning, playing name that song on the oldies station. I was doing what I wanted to be doing and content and happy.  I moved into that house with those 7 girls.  It changed my life.  Once again my father knew better than I did.  Those girls became my very best friends. I learned and grew in ways that I couldn't have, had I stayed at home where I wanted to be.  Even though I am spread across the country from those girls now, they are my biggest support, my best friends. They saw me through years of schooling, boyfriends, graduate school, jobs and social growth.  We supported each other through family crisis', heartbreak and successes.  Marriages, temple endowments and and children...and now cancer.  (pictures below courtesy of our last girls trip)

I am still a homebody.  I am still a little bit uptight.  I still don't like change.
However
change is inevitable in this life we are all living.
and especially so, it seems in ours right now.

Uncertainty and change are a weekly if not daily battle for me.
I wake up each morning not knowing if I will feel like taking a run or climbing back into bed.
Every time I go to the doctor I wonder what will change.

Yesterday, the change was that I needed a break from another one of the drugs.
There is fluid building up in my lungs and inflammation through my abdomen.
Consequences of constant chemo the last year and a half.
My body is starting to feel the effects of the chemo and cancer.
It is still fighting but it isn't as strong as it has been.
What can't be seen are the non-physical changes to my body: The changes to my heart and spirit.  Some have been good, some not. I am hurting.
I know that more changes are coming.  Changes that I won't like.

Ever since I was diagnosed Eric and I have both felt very strongly, that we are not the ones in charge.  Neither are the doctors, or nurses or specialist or even the drugs. We have turned our will over to the Lord -- mostly.  Eric more than I have.  It is hard for me, but I am trying. 

I firmly believe that just as my earthly father always knew best how to help me learn and grow though those hard years of young adulthood I have a loving Father in Heaven who also knows what is best for me.

My dad and I back at the Jerusalem Center
19 years after he gave me that dreaded B+ :) 

Just as it was hard for me to see how making friends, getting a B+, or moving into a house with 7 strangers could be good for me -- there are things now that I don't see as being good for me, or my family.  

However, I am learning to trust my Father in Heaven.  He knows the best thing for me and my children.

So, while if I could pick, I wouldn't pick cancer -- I wouldn't pick to be struggling through chemo -- I wouldn't be facing my body failing on me -- I wouldn't be preparing my children and loved ones for the time when I am not here with them one earth -- the choice isn't mine to pick.

 I have to trust my Father. 
My Heavenly Father knows better than I do. He always has.  He always will.  

My all time favorite church hymn as always been Be Still My Soul 
The lyrics often come into my mind and heart when I am in a particularly discouraging place. 

My favorite lines read: 

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last. 

How grateful I am for a loving Father here on earth who has guided me and helped me to stretch and become who I am.  B+ and all.  How grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father who will continue to guide the future as He has the past.  

I believe that I have to trust my Father. 

My Heavenly Father knows better than I do. He always has.  He always will.  

If you do nothing else today, (and if you have made it all the way through this super long blogpost) watch this youtube video of the song.