Truth: I want to ring the bell
Truth: I am really struggling.
Like legit falling apart.
Maybe it is this time of year when Eric goes into the hole that we call "busy season" and doesn't emerge until after April 15th when taxes are filed.
Maybe it is that the "big girls" are getting bigger and harder and more opinionated and less likely to do what I want them to because they aren't so little anymore.
Maybe it is because Tess is 3. enough said.
Maybe it is because I have cancer and I. hate. it.
Yep, I am pretty sure that is it.
It is the cancer and it is taking over my life and I hate it and I don't know what to do about it.
Not the actual cancer. I'm doing stuff about that.
I mean it is still sort of taking over my body, but the cancer I am talking about is taking over my emotions and my life.
(Not to worry: I have drugs for the cancer, and drugs for the anxiety and drugs for the nausea and I'm trying drugs to stabilize my mood and hormones, but I am pretty sure they aren't really doing a whole lot right now. Just keep reading).
You guys.....you know how there is this thing called "ringing the bell" when you finish chemo treatments? Well if you didn't know, most infusion centers, or cancer treatment clinics have a bell of some sorts that you get to ring when you are done with treatment.
Well, I went on Friday to get my pump unhooked (for the 31st time) and actually I had been feeling at about 38% capacity -- not too shabby. (I just picked the number 38 because it was bigger than 25 but less than 50 and it is my age and it sounded like a good number).
So, they nurses have to take my blood pressure and temperature and then do a quick assessment of whether or not I look like I can handle the next few days on my own, managing life taking my own medication and not needing fluids.
Then they do all this stuff with syringes, disconnect the pump and give me a cool bandaid (this time it was a marvel comics bandaid of the Black Widow which Tess was totally excited about and promptly ripped off when she saw it)
Finally, I get to go home if I get the all clear.
It usually takes about thirty or forty minutes and then I sit in my car for another ten or fifteen or puke a couple of times and then drive home. *that parking lot has got to be totally unsanitary and a sanctuary for disgusting animals that eat puke*
This time though, before I get the all clear and am ready to go there is a lady who is leaving.
I mean she is LEAVING the chemo treatment room never to return.
And she has someone there with her who is taking a video and she's hugging everyone and getting ready to ring the bell.
The bell.
Exciting stuff.
You guys, I wanted to punch her in the face.
I didn't.
but
There were some serious emotions happening.
I just didn't like her. at all.
and I don't even know her.
and I should have been excited for her that her living hell of cancer treatments was over.
but I wanted to punch her in the face.
I just sat there holding back the tears instead.
I wanted them to let me go home where I could cry in hiding.
Not normal.
I am so mad that I will never ring that bell.
Seriously, I want to ring it every. single. time. I. leave.
I wanted to ring it 31 times and say: "See you next week for 32."
Because that is my life.
That is our life.
and I hate it.
I don't even like it when my kids say they hate things.
It's kind of like a curse word at our house.
and lately Tess has taken to telling me how much she hates naps and quiet time and running errands and well really she hates anything but Dino chicken nuggets and sugar laden yogurt and treats at grandmas and playing the iPad, but again, she is 3.
But I really hate our life right now and that is the truth.
I hate the life that cancer has brought us.
So then I want to do things that are not like me....or at least things that don't really reveal a me that I like.
Things like:
punch a lady in the face but really it isn't her at all it is because she is done with treatments and I never will be.
or
Yell at Eric because he bought the wrong salad at the store but really it is because I felt incompetent that I wasn't well enough to have gone to the store the night before to get the things to make a nice salad like I would have in the past (stupid, right....after I was done with my rampage Tess told me she would give me a huggy to make me feel better. It made me feel worse).
or
Swear inside my head when someone says "You never know....there are miracles....my brother-in-laws best friends, second cousins, school teacher's wife had cancer and she beat it! I know you can too!" but really it is because swearing inside my head is nicer than swearing out-loud and how do you respond to someone who is trying to be kind and doesn't know what to say so they just tell you all about the miracles in their life or anyone they have ever read about on Facebook?!
or
Lose my mind over Natalie trying to help by switching the laundry and drying my favorite sweater that will now fit Tess -- but really it is because I can't even fit half of my clothes anymore since steroids and treatments and I am sure stress and only being able to really keep carbs inside my body have made me gain weight and I feel super unattractive. Also, just incase you get the wrong idea that I am super huge....Tess did grow 5 inches in one calendar year and wears a size 10 shoes and is the 98% for her height and weight so it is normal that she would fit my sweater that at one point, before drying was a size small.
So, see you guys, the truth is not fun sometimes.
at all.
and cancer is the lamest.
and I will never get to ring that bell.
at least not ring it because I have finished treatments.
I might go crazy one day (as if that hasn't already happened)
and just ring it and ring it until they haul me away to the in-patient mental facility.
(Ironic much that my last name is Bell......)
And now you all know.
Truth.
and if you have had or have cancer and you ring a bell I promise I won't punch you.
okay?
PS: I am under the constant surveillance of trained professionals and a pretty good therapist, so there is no need to really panic over this post. It just needed to get off my chest at 11:15 pm at the end of a really long week.
In happier news I am taking more pictures to do my photo a day challenge this year. Here are some of my favorites:
Like legit falling apart.
Maybe it is this time of year when Eric goes into the hole that we call "busy season" and doesn't emerge until after April 15th when taxes are filed.
Maybe it is that the "big girls" are getting bigger and harder and more opinionated and less likely to do what I want them to because they aren't so little anymore.
Maybe it is because Tess is 3. enough said.
Maybe it is because I have cancer and I. hate. it.
Yep, I am pretty sure that is it.
It is the cancer and it is taking over my life and I hate it and I don't know what to do about it.
Not the actual cancer. I'm doing stuff about that.
I mean it is still sort of taking over my body, but the cancer I am talking about is taking over my emotions and my life.
(Not to worry: I have drugs for the cancer, and drugs for the anxiety and drugs for the nausea and I'm trying drugs to stabilize my mood and hormones, but I am pretty sure they aren't really doing a whole lot right now. Just keep reading).
You guys.....you know how there is this thing called "ringing the bell" when you finish chemo treatments? Well if you didn't know, most infusion centers, or cancer treatment clinics have a bell of some sorts that you get to ring when you are done with treatment.
Well, I went on Friday to get my pump unhooked (for the 31st time) and actually I had been feeling at about 38% capacity -- not too shabby. (I just picked the number 38 because it was bigger than 25 but less than 50 and it is my age and it sounded like a good number).
So, they nurses have to take my blood pressure and temperature and then do a quick assessment of whether or not I look like I can handle the next few days on my own, managing life taking my own medication and not needing fluids.
Then they do all this stuff with syringes, disconnect the pump and give me a cool bandaid (this time it was a marvel comics bandaid of the Black Widow which Tess was totally excited about and promptly ripped off when she saw it)
Finally, I get to go home if I get the all clear.
It usually takes about thirty or forty minutes and then I sit in my car for another ten or fifteen or puke a couple of times and then drive home. *that parking lot has got to be totally unsanitary and a sanctuary for disgusting animals that eat puke*
This time though, before I get the all clear and am ready to go there is a lady who is leaving.
I mean she is LEAVING the chemo treatment room never to return.
And she has someone there with her who is taking a video and she's hugging everyone and getting ready to ring the bell.
The bell.
Exciting stuff.
You guys, I wanted to punch her in the face.
I didn't.
but
There were some serious emotions happening.
I just didn't like her. at all.
and I don't even know her.
and I should have been excited for her that her living hell of cancer treatments was over.
but I wanted to punch her in the face.
I just sat there holding back the tears instead.
I wanted them to let me go home where I could cry in hiding.
Not normal.
I am so mad that I will never ring that bell.
Seriously, I want to ring it every. single. time. I. leave.
I wanted to ring it 31 times and say: "See you next week for 32."
Because that is my life.
That is our life.
and I hate it.
I don't even like it when my kids say they hate things.
It's kind of like a curse word at our house.
and lately Tess has taken to telling me how much she hates naps and quiet time and running errands and well really she hates anything but Dino chicken nuggets and sugar laden yogurt and treats at grandmas and playing the iPad, but again, she is 3.
But I really hate our life right now and that is the truth.
I hate the life that cancer has brought us.
So then I want to do things that are not like me....or at least things that don't really reveal a me that I like.
Things like:
punch a lady in the face but really it isn't her at all it is because she is done with treatments and I never will be.
or
Yell at Eric because he bought the wrong salad at the store but really it is because I felt incompetent that I wasn't well enough to have gone to the store the night before to get the things to make a nice salad like I would have in the past (stupid, right....after I was done with my rampage Tess told me she would give me a huggy to make me feel better. It made me feel worse).
or
Swear inside my head when someone says "You never know....there are miracles....my brother-in-laws best friends, second cousins, school teacher's wife had cancer and she beat it! I know you can too!" but really it is because swearing inside my head is nicer than swearing out-loud and how do you respond to someone who is trying to be kind and doesn't know what to say so they just tell you all about the miracles in their life or anyone they have ever read about on Facebook?!
or
Lose my mind over Natalie trying to help by switching the laundry and drying my favorite sweater that will now fit Tess -- but really it is because I can't even fit half of my clothes anymore since steroids and treatments and I am sure stress and only being able to really keep carbs inside my body have made me gain weight and I feel super unattractive. Also, just incase you get the wrong idea that I am super huge....Tess did grow 5 inches in one calendar year and wears a size 10 shoes and is the 98% for her height and weight so it is normal that she would fit my sweater that at one point, before drying was a size small.
or
Cry when I watch a video on my phone from 2 years ago, because it seems like a lifetime ago that I was laughing and playing and just happy.So, see you guys, the truth is not fun sometimes.
at all.
and cancer is the lamest.
and I will never get to ring that bell.
at least not ring it because I have finished treatments.
I might go crazy one day (as if that hasn't already happened)
and just ring it and ring it until they haul me away to the in-patient mental facility.
(Ironic much that my last name is Bell......)
And now you all know.
Truth.
and if you have had or have cancer and you ring a bell I promise I won't punch you.
okay?
PS: I am under the constant surveillance of trained professionals and a pretty good therapist, so there is no need to really panic over this post. It just needed to get off my chest at 11:15 pm at the end of a really long week.
In happier news I am taking more pictures to do my photo a day challenge this year. Here are some of my favorites:
 |
| Tess and Mckay ready to drive |
 |
| At dad's work.... |
 |
| trying to work on my hand lettering |
As Shrek says, “better out than in.” You are fighting one of the hardest battles I could imagine. And you are doing it so tremendously well. One thing that helps me is to write all of that negative yuck (no filter) and then burn the paper.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think you should ring that bell every time. Talk to some one and see if they will let you. Better yet, just tell them you are going to and then do it. Or buy your own bell and put it up at your house and ring it every time you have a victory. And let your kids ring it every time they have a victory. Life is a hard fight. Celebrate the good. Work through the bad. Know that you are loved by SO many people.
Thank you for the love and care and concern you you showed for my kids when they were in your first grade class. You are so amazing. Love you!
Amber, you are amazingly strong 💪🏻
ReplyDeleteIt’s yot ok to feel all these things. Truth be told i would if tackled the gal ringing the bell !
I love you so much and always take pictures!!!
Love you
MJ
I appreciate that you didn’t just write and burn. You need to express it and we all need to hear it. Sometimes when I hear stories about people going through ridiculous trials with “always a smile on their face,” I wonder if they’re perfect or just holding it all in and causing the rest of us to feel bad for not handling our comparably small trials with no such positivity and composure! Thank you for being real, for being raw. I want to mourn with you.
ReplyDeleteLet it out girl. Let it out. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThis post makes me think of this song, though different circumstances of course, the chorus seems to fit. Sometimes life is just hard! I sure wish I could take away your pain Amber... https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=9&v=Cn15ACWv0EQ
ReplyDeleteDude...that sucks...the end...it just really really really sucks.
ReplyDeletebtw This is Emily Robins (Updike)
Sending love and understanding. They had no bell and there was no fanfare, just... “bye, good luck” at my last chemo and I felt so cheated and mad & then immediately embarrassed that I wanted attention for ... I don’t know, getting to not come back?
ReplyDeleteI could not (and still cannot) play the %#?! Pollyanna routine and it’s amazing how many well-meaning people insist upon it. “My husband’s brain cancer was cured through positive thinking.” Oh just kill me now.
Thank you for your beautiful, strong, truthful words. They will stay with me. Ann