Never Enough

I know that you aren't supposed to use words like never and always.  At least that is what my therapist always says. (see what I just did right there?! clever, right.  I make myself laugh sometimes).

But seriously, I get it, they are words of absolutes and most things are not absolute in life.

However, of this one thing I am absolutely sure.

My ability to express gratitude will NEVER be enough.  Ever.
I could write a post every day about something or someone that I am grateful to or for and I would NEVER be finished.  Nor could my words every convey my true feelings of complete gratitude.

So keep in mind the it will Never be Enough and read this post understanding that.

Tess singing "Never Enough" -- her favorite song from "Greatest Show"

This past weekend my family was able to participate in a Retreat with a non-profit organization called Inheritance of Hope.  They provide experiences for families who have a parent facing a terminal illness.

Even typing those words is still sort of hard for me.
It is one thing to admit to yourself that your life will not have the timespan that you once believed it would have.
It is a whole separate story to admit it to your children and volunteers and even strangers.
And even harder to put it on paper, or documented in a video or on a blog.

I mean maybe have already admitted it on here.
I forget a lot lately.  Chemo brain (and probably just getting older, but let's just blame it on chemo).
But the point is, I was kind of nervous to go on this retreat.  Sort of weird to be nervous about a trip to Disneyworld and Universal Studios with the people you love most.
I was anxious because I didn't want this to feel like a "goodbye" vacation.
You know, the token.....you are sick lets take a trip sort of thing.

It wasn't like that at all.

It was filled with Hope, just like their name implies.

Hope that my children would remember me going on rides with them and laughing and playing, even on rides that weren't my favorite.
    
Hope in seeing my husband smile and let someone else (our wonderful volunteers) take the burden/responsibility of our children for a few minutes here and there.

Hope in having my 12 year old daughter want to hold my hand as we walked the streets of Disney.


Hope that in that small act she showed me she wasn't embarrassed by my hair (or lack of it) and just wanted to be with me.

Hope that maybe Tess will not have nightmares and PTSD forever after I forced her to ride the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train ride....because I wanted to.  (She seriously screamed the entire time like she was going to die.....and yet she rode the teacups and Soarin' and many other fast rides without even flinching).  Weird kid.

Hope that we will continue to learn from the experiences we had with others who are fighting similar, life altering battles just like us.


Hope that someday my children will be the volunteers serving other families affected by cancer and terminal illness.  In a small way, to give back even a portion of what we were given.

Hope that the relationships we forged with our volunteers will last forever.  Honestly, we had the best volunteers.  Tess asks everyday when we can go see her "Tony friend" at Disneyworld and Natalie is texting her buddy/volunteer with really important information, like what we are eating for breakfast.  (sorry about the over texting Elayna).  But seriously they were amazing in every way.  Like on the day we were at Magic Kingdom I walked 4 miles and Tony walked 11.  He pushed Tess in the stroller. They got us fast passes.  They waited in line for us.....and the list goes on and on.


I found hope in talking to Tony about his own experiences with his wife fighting breast cancer and the emotions and struggles that they faced.

Hope that the legacy video I recorded will be the first of many videos and other letters, gifts, stories etc that I can have prepared for my children, if and when I am not here with them in person.  (It was a beautiful thing to record a video telling my children the things that I loved about them and hoped for their future -- it was also really difficult and emotional, but it showed me I could do it).

Hope in seeing my kids just be kids and laugh and play and enjoy the magic and mystery of Disney and Harry Potter and all things happiness.

But most of all I found hope in feeling the love of my Heavenly Father, through my children, the other participants, my husband and all the volunteers.  Hope that He has a plan for each one of us.  My hope was renewed and my love for a Heavenly Father who knows the end from the beginning and has given us this gift of life here on earth to help us to become more like him.  I hope that because of this experience I am a little bit closer to becoming what He wants me to become.  


  
Hope.  
My Thanks will never be enough to the Inheritance of Hope organization for the renewed hope and faith that they gave all of us in just a few short days.