Hidden handicaps and hard times

Eric for the last year or more has been wanting me to get a handicap parking pass. 

I refuse. 

I do not believe I am physically disabled. 

He claims that on my trips to target when I am carting around a chemo pump, and wearing my pajamas and haven't showered for 3 days and am half-dead I could really use it for closer parking. 

(Not that I ever go to Target in my PJ's and  puke in the Target parking lot because I just need to get out of my house and pretend to be normal and buy stuff I don't need).   I mean what else do you buy at target besides stuff you don't need? 

Be honest, have you ever gone to Target with an actual list and bought only what was on the list? 

I didn't think so.

But enough about Target, even though I love that place.  

Even Target lately hasn't been able to entice me to shop, or leave my house. 

Maybe Eric is on to something. 

Maybe if I had a handicap parking pass I would venture out more. 

It sure would make dragging Tess across the entire parking lot while she is conveniently doing the Macarena (her new favorite dace) on the way into whatever store we are going to a lot easier.  I mean it is hard to hold hands with your grown up when you are trying to dance the Macarena.
I would say it is near to impossible.  

It is also almost near to impossible to actually see the toll the cancer has taken on my body.  

I look good.  

I mean, maybe that is bragging and maybe that is just me trying to make myself feel good, but seriously, I look great (with clothes on, which is how all of you see me, thankfully).  

I seriously doubt that the average person would look at me and think: "Hmmm...I bet she has a terminal illness." or even "Look at her, she must be going through chemo, fighting cancer."
I mostly just look like a sleep deprived mom with a toddler.  Which I am. 

But here is the thing. 

I am beginning to recognize, even more now after 2 years and 50+ chemo treatments, that it isn't about what people see.

It isn't even about what I see when I look in the mirror.  

Is it ever really what we see on the outside? 

This is the closest I can come to describing the hidden parts of me.
(another cancer fighter posted something similar to this a few days ago and it really resonated with me) 

But a handicap sticker isn't going to fix these things, or really help at all.  

Then I would just have to put up with judging stares and looks from people who just see the me that looks fine.  

I guess when it comes right down to it I am just tired.  

Tired of looking fine, but not always feeling fine. 

Tired of the hidden things that keep popping up. 

Tired of hearing that I need to spend thousands of dollars on dental care.  (we have no dental insurance)

Tired of itching so bad that I just want to rip my skin off. 

Tired of having to wear my glasses all the time and still having my eyes hurt and my prescription change every few months. 

Tired of my brain not working the way that it used to. I can't remember words or what I was thinking or just mid-thought am blank. 

Tired of cold and hot both being too much to handle. 

Tired of my mouth hurting. 

Tired of food tasting disgusting. (maybe it is my cooking?!)

Tired of out of wack emotions. 

I am just tired. 

&

I am alive.  

So, I should stop complaining. 

Because I am grateful too. 

Grateful that I have a mortal body. 

Grateful that maybe I have been given some insight into the struggles of others and am hopefully a little less judgmental. 

Grateful for all the prayers that have enabled me to live this long. 

Grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who invites and welcomes my tears, my pleadings and hears and answers every prayer I offer. 

I love this quote from one of our church leaders.  

"We have trials to face because our Heavenly Father loves us. His purpose is to help us qualify for the blessing of living with Him and His Son, Jesus Christ, forever in glory and in families. To qualify for that gift we had to receive a mortal body. With that mortality we understood that we would be tested by temptations and by difficulties."

If this mortal body of mine is helping me to qualify to live with my Heavenly Father again I would choose to do it all over again --  I chose before I came to this earth to take on whatever trials would come my way and I have to remember that. 

"We all have trials to face—at times, very difficult trials. We know that the Lord allows us to go through trials in order for us to be polished and perfected so we can be with Him forever." - Henry B. Eyring 

I think it would do us some good to remember that everyone is fighting a battle that we most likely don't see.  

Hurt....Anger....Betrayal....Frustration....Sadness....Disappointment....physical pain......emotional pain....the list could go on and on. 

Be kind to someone today. 

and tomorrow. 
Just because someone doesn't have a handicap pass doesn't mean they couldn't use some help. 

They might need your smile, or gentle touch or friendly hello. 

We all need each other.  

and we all for sure need our Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ

"But a loving God has not set such tests before us simply to see if we can endure difficulty but rather to see if we can endure them well and so become polished." -Henry B. Eyring 

I will just be over here polishing......hoping to become what the Lord knows I can become.  

(and maybe just maybe the me that is being polished could polish away the itchy skin....because it is driving.me.crazy.) 

Here is what I really want people to see in me.  

Not the hidden handicaps, but the me that is striving to become more like my Heavenly Father. To be what I believe and to become more.  

It's going to take a lot more time to become the person in this picture.  So, let's all hope I have a lot more time here on earth -- cause I am far from polished.