What if I can't do this?

What if I can't do this.

For Real.

I am getting tired of chemo.
and scans
and more chemo.
and not feeling great.

So tired. 

Here is the thing. 

It isn't like I have a choice, really. 

Except for that I do have a choice actually. 

If at any point I say to my doctor: "I'm done." then that is that. 

I would be done.
but I can't actually do that.
I have 3 kids and a husband.
and parents
and in-laws
and friends
and a pretty good life.

but
  

Usually at hour 36 or so of that stupid pump I am ready to throw in the towel.  

It's really taking it's toll 

and

I 

do 

not 

know

how 

much

longer 

I 

can 

do 

it. 
(but I will)

Tess frequently asks me if I was "joking" her.  

You know, am I just teasing her or trying to "joke her" 

I am getting pretty good at joking. 

I am trying so hard to keep it all together, but honest I am not holding it together all that well.  

After a really rough New Years Eve full of puking and a headache that would. not. go. away.  I woke up New Years Day a little discouraged. 

I know that I should be grateful to be alive. 

and I am

but

I am also full of sleepless nights and doubt and exhaustion and nausea 

and that is not even the beginning of just everyday life.

You know, that life where I am impatient with my children
and can't keep commitments to friends
and do everything sort of half-way, if at all.

So, anyway.
Sometimes I am just tired and I wonder.

When will this end?
But I don't want it to.
But I do.