Born to be.....

I mean, truly.
We got this letter board for Christmas and I've come up with some fun things to put on it.  Which, if we are being honest, usually don't stay on the board for too long.  Because, well I have a four year old and she loves letters right now and is always writing her own message or it is getting knocked over and half the message breaks off.

Miraculously, this one has stayed on for a few days now.

Treatment #50 is approaching (T-7 hours) and I have been awake most of the night.
Tired much.
yep, but I can't really sleep.
(Post Edit....I started this post a month ago and then we got a huge snowstorm and life was crazy and I didn't do chemo that day because the power was out everywhere and we had almost 2 ft of snow in a city that owns 2 snowplows at best.....so I am just now finishing the post -- and I did complete round 50, there is another blog in the works about that.  be patient.  I know all you want to do is just read all the details of my life and wandering mind that I haven't been sharing lately).  

When I came downstairs and saw my letter board it got me thinking about really what I was born to be.

I mean, besides wild of course.
(As if wild was ever a word used to describe me....my sister Kristin maybe or my college roommate Garnet possibly and most definitely a toddler named Tess, but never me!)

Was I born to have cancer?
Honestly.
Was this really my trial to bear when I chose to come to earth and fulfill Heavenly Father's plan.
I do believe I was born to return home to him someday -- hopefully that someday isn't too soon.
but it could be.
We don't know.
Nobody knows really.
And too many of my friends are going home to Him.
Friends that I have met at chemo.
Friends that I have known for years.
Friends that were born to their own path that they are still living.

At Christmas time (which I know was like forever ago, but it has been forever since I blogged, so just bear with me) the kids at the church I attend sang a song about baby Jesus called "Born to be a King" and I was their accompanist so I got to hear the song sung a number of times.  The lyrics are beautiful and talk about Mary looking at her baby and thinking, "Is this the Son of God? Is this, my little baby really the one who is born to be a King?" I always have loved the scripture in Luke 2:19 where it talks about Mary and how she, at the miraculous birth of her Son, "took all these things and pondered them in her heart." -- I can only imagine that she needed a moment to wrap her head around the miracle that her baby was -- the miracle that He, the King of the Jews, the Messiah of the World and our Savior Jesus Christ was born to her -- Born to be a King.

Anyway, I guess that is a long way to say - I do believe He was born to be a king - my Savior, Jesus Christ.   I also believe that I need Him now, more than ever to understand and navigate what I was born to become.  

I think about the woman who, for 12 years, endured an incurable disease. She, through the crowds of people thronging Jesus on the streets of Jerusalem, stretched out her hand to touch the Savior's robe. This was her only chance to be healed and she understood the power of our Savior Jesus Christ -- so much that she believed that if she could only just touch His robe her miracle would occur.  

I think about the man at the pools of Bethesda, who for 38 years suffered with a debilitating illness and had never been the first one into those healing waters.  The Savior, met him and healed him -- telling him to take up his bed and walk.  

I think of the Savior's disciples on the Sea of Galilee, in a small fishing boat, with waves crashing all around them, pleading for help with a phrase that I have often found myself uttering: "Carest thou not that we perish!?"  (More on this specific story and thought at a past post here)

(Eric and I on a boat in the sea of Galilee a couple years ago)

What do I have in common with these people? 
What do they have in common?  

I believe it is that we are all a little bit desperate and seeking answers. 

We are desperate for peace and healing, saving, really. We are desperate to try and understand if this life we are/were living is the life we were born to live.  

I don't always look in the right places for that peace and healing. 
I'm human. 

But when I do look to my Savior I always, always come out ahead.  
always.

When I seek Him as my peace and comfort and as the great Healer -- I am healed. Not literally, but figuratively.  My heart and mind are healed even if my body is still riddled with stupid tumors. (yes, stupid)

I am healed through the love of a husband who has stood by my side for 50 round of chemo (he deserves his own post at a later time) 

I am healed through a random text from a friend telling me they are praying for me. 

I am healed through a nurse who asks about me, the person me.  Not the patient me. 

I am healed through a bag of my favorite treats left on my doorstep. 

I am healed through a sister-in-law, Corrine, who does and would do anything to help me and my children.  

I am healed through a brother who flies across the country to come to a party that I postponed (oops). 

I am healed through the snuggles of a wild four year old who rubs my arm and tells me she loves me as we nap each afternoon.  

I am healed through children who try to make "BYU" mint brownies from a recipe they find online.  They go to the store and buy all the ingredients themselves and make them from scratch to surprise me when I get home from chemo.  

I am healed through prayers.  Constant prayers.  

I am healed through teachers who love my children and watch out for them when I don't have the energy physically or emotionally.  

I am healed through the love of all of you.  

I am healed through the love of all of you, being instruments for our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ, since they are not here on earth with us.  

I am healed through the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ and a loving, all knowing Heavenly Father. 

I read a quote from one of our church leaders once that said: (and I am sad I can't remember who it was, but I wrote it down....so I tried)

When we're desperate to become

the people we were born to be,

our vision changes.

So, maybe I was born to this after all.  Maybe I needed cancer in my life to change my vision.  To change they way I see myself, my Savior and all of you.  

Just maybe I am becoming closer to what I was born to be. 

But I do for sure know one thing.  
All of you are helping me to become what I was born to be and for that I am forever grateful.  

And I will work on being less tired and more wild.  
Maybe next week when I am not doing chemo and we have Spring Break -- maybe then I will be wild.  :)