Green, Yellow or Red

Tess has a new-found love for traffic lights.
and traffic in general.

She loves to comment on the cars, or lack of them on the road when we are driving places.
She also shouts "shotgun" every time we head toward the van.
As if she is going to get to sit in the front seat -- haha--  

She loves to look ahead to the lights and let me know if I am going to need to stop or not.

Yellow lights are her least favorite.

Mine too.

Slowing down is not my strong point.  
I mean on the road I am pretty good at it.
Not so much life.

And just like on the road, if you don't slow down for those yellow lights  -- stop at the red ones, there are consequences.

I've been going too fast for too long.
Or maybe I haven't even been going too fast, just going.

It's like I have put my body through a long road trip, without stopping, ever.
And  I don't even have a final stopping point, because my stopping point would bring my journey to an end.  for good.

I am beyond exhausted, emotionally and physically.  (I know I posted about being tired probably like a year ago and you are probably tired of hearing about how I am tired, but I am even more tired now).  

The chemo is getting harder. A lot harder. 

So, what do I do?
I am not expecting any of you to make the choice for me, but I could really use your prayers and support.

I don't know how much longer I can keep doing chemo like I have been (one week on, one week off). 
And that is really the bottom line.



I am not sure if it is possible to just "slow down" maybe space out the treatments a little bit more, take more frequent breaks -- yellow light it so to speak!?

I don't think it is time to just stop -- hit the red light, but I do know that I can't keep just going through the green lights and speeding up when I see yellow.

Clever analogy, right?

So, the point of all this rambling is to say, please join Eric and I in praying about what the future looks like for my relationship with chemo.

My last scans showed stability, which is great -- the cancer is still there, but not growing.
My body is responding to the chemo, but so is my mind and my emotions.
 My quality of life is not what I want it to be and we need to figure out what the path is for us, because I just don't think that continuing to live half my life at full speed with no energy is a great plan.

I just want to enjoy the holidays.
I want to live my life and forget about cancer for a while.
But it feels like a lot to ask.