Semi-Okay

I have 4 brothers.
(and 2 sisters but this is mostly about my brothers)
They are great, usually.
They love everything about me, usually.

Well except for one thing.
They hate my short hair.

See how both my sisters have beautiful long hair.....and this picture is my favorite because it shows the personalities of my siblings. Derek is making a face, and Heather is like "am I part of this craziness?"

This used to be a serious source of stress of tears and unnecessary opinions being shared every time we were together as a family.

Once one of my brothers, who will remain unnamed (except for that his name starts with D and ends with erek) told me that I was: "the only girl he knew that looked semi-okay with short hair"

Semi-okay

Such a compliment, right?
Everyone wants to look semi-okay at best.
From one of my brothers it was sorta like a compliment.  I looked semi-okay.
For years I was sure that the reason I wasn't married was because I had short hair.
Eric has been super complimentary of my short hair -- I mean he sorta has to be.  He's my husband. 

My hair is way shorter now than it was when my brother who starts with D and ends with erek told me I looked semi-okay.  Only this time, I don't think any of my brothers -- even Derek -- would tell me my hair looks semi okay.  Right guys?
Note to my brothers: this is where you comment on this blogpost and tell me how amazing I look and that you are sorry you ever made rude comments about my short hair.  

However, sometimes when people ask how I am I would like to respond with "semi-okay."
That's how I feel.  Semi-okay.
What then is the definition of semi-okay?
Good question.

If okay means like half-way between good and bad then semi-okay is like half-way between good and okay or half-way between bad and okay depending on the day.   

(that is a lot of hyphens in one confusing sentence).  Did you read it again?  Ya, me too. It still isn't a great definition. 

Last night I had a big meltdown to Eric. I was more on the side of semi-not-okay then semi-okay.

It all just came crashing down.

Want to know what semi-okay really looks like?

I get my kids ready for Halloween and wonder how many more halloween celebrations I will have with them. It's semi-okay.

I watch Tess jump in her aunt corrine's arms and feel both gratitude that she loves her so much (both ways) and jealousy that Corrine is most likely going to get to experience more of life with Tess than I am.  It's semi-okay.

Eric and I sit down to find a movie on Netflix and while I know he would prefer something action oriented he is thinking of me and says I can pick something.  All the movies I like (which are hallmark or hallmark like in nature) have something to do with a spouse dying or a terminal illness.  We watch an action movie.  It's semi-okay.

I try to get to bed early so that I can get up and take a walk or maybe even a slow run -- it's been 3 months since I have put on my running shoes.  I don't sleep and my feet and hands hurt so much when I wake up that I know going on a walk is not a good idea.  It's semi-okay.

I get a cold and I have to call the doctor just to double check that I don't have to come in.  Thankfully my white blood counts aren't too low, so I'm safe. For now.  It's semi-okay.

I look in the mirror and see my dry, rashy skin and short, patchy hair -- accentuated by my non-muscular, bony body.  It's semi-okay.

I have someone coming to help me clean my house every couple of weeks.  It still feels dirty to me.  I really dislike not being able to have things clean like I love them. I feel like a wreck that I can't even keep my own house clean.  It's semi-okay.  

I let my children watch way more television than should ever be watched.  Gone are the days of the "no tv deal" (Lauren a couple of years ago went without watching tv for a full year -- incentivized by a cash deal from Eric).  I would have nothing to keep them entertained if they didn't watch tv.  It's semi okay. 

I don't call my sisters anymore to just chat -- it is like our relationship is strained because nobody feels like they can complain about their own semi-okay life if mine is yucky too.  It's semi-okay.  

I've taken a nap, with Tess, for the last 3 days each afternoon. I think I fall asleep faster than she does. Gone are the days of getting anything productive done, ever.  Maybe this is actually just called motherhood and has nothing to do with cancer.  :)  It's semi-okay. 

So, reality is that most days I only really feel semi-okay.  The constant physical reminder of the fact that I am living a life I don't want to be is probably the hardest.  That is what really makes it semi-okay.  

It is a constant battle to stay positive and find things to look forward to and not give in to the semi-okay, but some days I just don't want to pretend that everything is great.  And then I will climb out of my semi-okay state and put a smile on my face and see all the great reasons I have to love my life.

But right now I just feel and look semi-okay.  
So, in order to end this post on a positive note how about some of our fantastic, better than great family pictures we got taken!?

Compliment away.
I mean Tess doesn't have very much hair either and she is way more cute than just semi-okay.  

This post is semi-okay.  
Thanks for reading it to the end. .
Now to finish off my week before things get semi-not-okay next week on my 5th round of chemo.