Double Digits and Lessons Learned

And in honor of the making it through round 10 how about I give you a list of the top 10 

things I have learned from this cancer stuff.

Sort of like David Letterman's top 10.  

(if you were a Letterman fan -- and could watch him without just really wanting to fix the gap in his teeth).  

#10 -- Your body is more capable and strong than you think it is. 

when you push it, it will push back and prove to you that it can do hard things. I have been amazed at what my body has been able to do.  I think I was strong "healthy" and prepared going into this trial which has helped, but I have come to appreciate just how beautiful our bodies are.  I am so grateful to have been given this body for my time here on earth -- even if it is not doing everything I want it to right now. 

#9 -- Crying is pretty normal. 

All the time.... Even if you don't have cancer.  Eric thought I cried a lot before this.  Tears, lots of tears. Frustration tears. Pain tears. Worry tears. Regret tears. I can't do this tears.  I don't know why I am crying tears. Lots of tears. I hear crying is good for you.  I'm seriously taking that to heart. *Only one of the chemo drugs I take makes it really painful to cry....seriously.  Like my head and eyes hurt in a way I have never felt before.  I still cry. 

#8 -- Kids are capable of doing and handling a lot. 

This one has been a hard one for me....just because they are capable should they be held to doing those things? We have stuck to jobs and responsibilities around here -- and yes there is still a lot of complaining and a little bit of yelling (my definition of a little bit).  But then sometimes the girls really pull through and help each other out and put themselves to bed when Eric is out of town, and lock the doors and turn off lights when I have crashed asleep long before their bedtime.  They really are tough. And sensitive.  (Tess mostly just pulls down my shirt and says "bye bye owie" It's like she is playing hide and seek with the port and pump.  It's charming and a little disturbing that this is her life (and mine). 

#7 -- Projects are a thing of the past.  

I used to be such a project person.  Sewing, painting, house stuff, decorating.  Now my biggest project is myself.  seriously.  I think the biggest project I have completed since August is hanging up new family pictures.  Remember how my sister-in-law and cousin redecorated my room for me and also helped me put up Christmas decorations.  I couldn't even muster the energy for decorating Christmas.  (But energy is a whole different number).  So, when my house is outdated, and not clean and project-less it is just going to have to be okay.  Actually now that I type this I am thinking that I also am really good at creating photo books on the computer.....so send me all your pictures and I will shutterfly or blurb or tiny prints away while I sit with low energy.  

#6 -- Stuff doesn't matter.  At all. 

 Enough Said.  It just doesn't matter. 

#5 -- People don't know what to say, so sometimes they say stupid things.  

It's okay.  I get it.  I don't know what to say sometimes either.  If it was my friend who had cancer I would probably be saying things that were not helpful too.  It's okay to ask me how I and doing.  Really.  People always ask how I am and then follow it up with "I know that's a stupid question!" Actually, it's not.  If you really want the answer.  Sometimes I am doing just fine.  Other times I am not. Also, please don't stop sharing your life with me because you think it is "hard" for me to hear the things you are doing or the successes you are experiencing.  I want to hear about happy things. Don't we all. 

#4 --Food is a necessary evil.  

I feel guilty even typing that, given that he number of meals that we have had brought to us is, I am sure, well into the hundreds.  At least it feels that way.  People have been so generous and have kept us nourished and strong.  Food will never be the same for me.  First off: I am never hungry.  Ever.  Side effect of the chemo.  Second off: If I do eat something and it tastes good I REALLY don't want to puke it. back up, so I have to carefully weigh the consequences.  Do I permanently damage my love of cottage cheese and crackers on the off chance that they come back up or do I take the chance? It's a fine line.  

On this note, I am staying pretty steady at a "healthy weight" and also Mint M&M's (well anything mint) are like a gift to my always nauseous self.  Also, steamed milk you guys.  Heavenly. (see I guess those two things don't even really count as a food -- one is a beverage and one is a treat, which clearly I still see as necessary)

#3 -- A Name means a lot. 

My first year teaching school I remember being so worried that I would never remember the names of all 50 of my students (I was teaching a morning and an afternoon class at the time).  I was so panicked.  I remember my dad comforting me and telling me that I would remember them, and faster than I thought.  He was right.  After 14 years of teaching I still remember all their names.  I obviously don't teach anymore, but have really come to appreciate the value of someone remembering and using my name -- I am not just a patient to my doctor and nurses, I am Amber.  They know my name, they know my husbands name and they even ask about my kids, by name.  Same is true of some of the other patients (usually 65-85 year old women) I have met at the chemo center.  They have taken the time to ask, know and remember not just my name but who I am and what is behind my name.  

#2 -- You shouldn't try to potty train your 2 year old during chemo treatments. 

I don't think I need to elaborate a lot on this one. It's pretty self explanatory.  We will try potty training again sometime later, maybe when I have a chemo break.   

#1 -- There are angels, lots of them, both here on earth and on the other side.  You are one of those angels. 

I could never, ever do justice to the people in my life who have been my saving grace time and time again these past 10 rounds of chemo.  Family and friends who have made major sacrifices in their lives, and the lives of their families to take care of my needs and the needs of my family that I can't quite get to.  Wether in the form of a card and a package, a meal brought, a child watched -- once again, a ride home from school for one of the girls, an "I'm thinking of you" text, a prayer offered, or a genuine hug, the love has been overwhelming and so appreciated.  I can say that I never would have made it this far without all of you -- my angels throughout this difficult time.  I have received so much love and care and concern from unexpected people and in unexpected ways. (and now I am crying again and remember how I told you it hurts....so I am going to stop now).  

So,  I guess cancer isn't so bad after all.  Look at all the great things I have learned.  But don't go getting cancer just so you can be awesome like I am.  

Just learn through me....deal? 

Okay.  

Now I am going to go love on my kids and get ready for church. In between puking of course.