A few people I miss.....

  

I don't know what it is about being sick that just makes  you want to have comfort foods (who am I kidding I don't actually eat) and comfort friends and family.

I guess if you are going to be feeling yucky you might as well share it with the people who have seen you at your yuckiest and still love you.  

Luckily I am surrounded by some of these people -- Eric and the girls (although even they didn't know what they signed up for when I joined this clan).  How could they have known?  Also, for those of you that didn't know, Eric has a twin brother who may or may not be one of my favorite Bell's -- second to his wife, who takes first place for being the sister-in-law straight from heaven.  I didn't always think she liked me -- and maybe she didn't really, but she likes me now, so secret's out Corrine.

Still, I miss a lot of my family and friends who don't live here.
The cards and packages and inspiring messages sent to me really help, but sometimes you just want a person. A little bit of human interaction.

You might look at these pictures below and think to yourself, "Well, why did Amber include pictures of her Oregon self and family? That's weird. She can't possibly miss someone who lives in her own home or less than 5 minutes down the road." Well, my answer to you is.  Yes, I do miss the people in those pictures and mostly: 

I miss me.

  

I miss the old me.

I miss the me that smiled a real smile for the camera. 

I miss the me that wasn't tired after I stood for 5 minutes doing my hair.
I miss the me that had the energy to take my kids on bike rides and to Lego festivals.

I miss the me that didn't cringe holding her baby because it hurts, in more ways than one.

I miss the Hawaii, carefree, wear a bikini me. (just kidding mom, I would never wear a two piece after that great family night where you invited me home and taught me -- at age 29 or 30 or something -- all about correct choices). She is very influential and like a good mom concerned about me, always -- especially after she saw me wearing a swimsuit she didn't like. .

I miss the sibling me.  I miss the daughter me.  The me who didn't make her siblings cry (or wait I probably always made them cry to some extent). The me who thought I would be around for 100 years to torture them and tell them what to do.  The me who spent time with her mom and dad for fun, not because they had to come take care of her sick me.

  

 


I miss the me that laughed at the goofy faces made by my children (and husband).  They are much too somber now.

  

I miss the me that traveled and spent time with friends, not because I was sick, but because we were enjoying life.

   

I miss the old Eric and I.  The me that didn't have to have conversations with my husband about what might happen if I don't live a lot longer than 24-28 months.  (mostly our conversations are about how I want him to buy a nice new car and take lots of vacations with the girls.  We are shallow like that)

 

I miss the young women's president me.  The one who had a lot of faith that things would work out for her YW and for herself.  That faith is still there, but it isn't that strong.
I miss the pioneer trek me.  The one that could walk and walk and look cute wearing a bonnet -- hey, I could totally rock my pioneer bonnets when I am bald! (silver linings my friends, sliver linings)

I miss the me that takes pictures of her kids in a conundrum, laughing that her baby is stuck, naked in a rocking chair after dropping her bag of pirates booty.  Now, every time I take a picture I wonder if that will be the same memory my kids have of me -- that maybe they will look at that picture in 10 years and I won't be here to tell them about it.

I miss the teacher me.

  

I miss the fun carefree me.

  

I miss the me before cancer.

Good news is that every other week -- the weeks I don't have chemo it is sort of like I am back to me.  And while I am so grateful for that, and seizing every moment -- it is hard to not still miss me, or be angry that I know that "me" will be gone again in just a few short days.  Not forever, just for 5-7 days of chemo and then I get me back for a little while.  And while it isn't the same, it's okay because during that good time

it isn't about me anymore.
It is about we.
We = me + all the people I love.

We take walks after school drop off.

We ride our bikes to soccer practice and enjoy the sunset.
We read books over and over and over again.  (seriously, a toddler and her favorite books.....I now understand why people throw books away.  I am so tired of Sophia search and find.....)
We (and by we I mean Tess) enjoy our breakfast naked with our feet up.

We dress up in Halloween costumes even when it isn't Halloween.

We forget about jobs and just watch movies. 
We spend time, together. 
We take Sunday walks with massive umbrellas. 

 We eat brownie bites all day.  (don't you love how she's trying to destroy the evidence).

We go shoe shopping.  

 We paint our toenails. 

We play games and relax. 
We take selfies so much that my phone won't hold a charge anymore. 

We are trying to make the most of the time we have -- together.  

So, while I miss my old self.  I am adjusting to the new self, and everyone is trying to adjust with me.  I would say they are doing a pretty darn good job.  Sometimes I don't like the new me, and beg and plead to go back to before, but I wouldn't trade the we time -- I mean, after all, it isn't about me.   

So, here's to the last day or so of us.  

I think we will make some memories, and try to take some pictures of them.