chemo and confessions

Chemo:  It got harder the second time around.

I thought it might but hoped it wouldn't.

As far as the fun to add to the list, I now am having pretty intense pain, tingling and numbness in my fingers and toes.  Neuropathy is what I think it is called.  I would like to call it discouraging and miserable.

The oncologist was very optimistic that they should be able to control the nausea with medication and gave me more fluids and anti nausea stuff at the end of treatment when I returned Brunhilda (remember she is the pump -- Bruny, for short).  I think it helped at least a little bit.  I think just getting rid of the pump helps the most. I hate carrying that thing around.  I hate walking around with this thing hooked to me and knowing that it is pumping chemo into my body.  That's enough to make anyone sick to their stomach.  Also, it makes me look sick, which I hate and I can't shower which makes me look sick and disgusting which is even worse.  Bottom line, I don't like Bruny at all.  We are not friends (unless she in fact is actually killing the cancer and then I will give her a little bit of credit....but that verdict is still out).

Speaking of friends, it really helped to have Marianne (and her husband Jed) here this pat week.  There is nothing better than one of your best friends coming to stay with you and making jokes and laughing and just being together.  I think her picture of Oregon is really skewed as she really only saw my house, the girls schools and the grocery store.  It is a lot prettier than that, but I guess she will have to come back to see that.  Also, if and when they come back I won't make her clean my fridge and laundry room and cook and grocery shop for me. Don't judge you guys, I am working on being a better friend, but this cancer stuff got in the way.

So, all in all Round 2 is in the books and we all survived.  

Confession: I am still really worried that the chemo isn't doing it's job.
There is a man that lives here locally in the Eugene area, who also was diagnosed with Cancer (liver) about two weeks before I was -- He attends the same church we do and although I do not know him well, Eric works with his wife and mother-in-law in his church responsibilities and we have been keeping up on their current situation.  As of last week, the chemo treatments he was doing proved to be ineffective and they put him on hospice, giving him a short time to live.  His wife wrote a beautiful update about their faith and understanding of the Lord's plan.  I cried big, ugly, this is unfair tears as I read it.  And I read it at least five or six times.  They have had a lot of faith and prayers exhibited in their behalf and yet this was still the Lord's answer for them.  It isn't easy to watch or hear -- and then I start, selfishly, to think about my situation.  And I panic that maybe the chemo ins't doing what it is supposed to.  What if I am doing all of this and it isn't even working.  What if? I guess we will have to wait and see and really I have learned that I am not waiting on a PET scan or blood work or a doctors report.  What and who I am really waiting on is the Lord. I am waiting for His will to be revealed and to then pray to understand it, whatever miracle it might be that He has in the works for us.

Confession:  I might as well admit that I also can't help myself and obsessively feel my abdomen in fear that I am going to feel another tumor.  It isn't normal people, but I can't stop worrying.  Good news is that so far all I feel are my rib bones and hip bones, which Tess thinks are "owies" because they are hard and stick out of my body, just like the chemo port does -- which is what she would like to touch all day long while saying owie.  It is super awkward when you are in the middle of a conversation with someone and your two year old is either reaching down your shirt to show someone your owie or trying to lift up your shirt to show them the other owie (aka scar).  It's her way of dealing with it I guess.

Oh, and speaking of Tess and in the spirit of confessing,

Confession:  I hate the song the Wheels on the Bus and it is Tess' favorite song so we sing it, ALL. THE. TIME. switching from verse to verse faster then the speed of light based on who or what rider or part of the bus Tess would like to sing about --  Morning, noon, night and even sometimes the middle of the night -- (sidenote:  if anyone knows how to get this kid to actually sleep I will pay you a million dollars -- or $10 or something more affordable).  We also go to see the bus at school anytime we get the chance.  That girl loves the Bus.  Maybe for her birthday next month I should get her a ride on a bus.  I'm a good mom like that.  Here she is this morning all ready for the bus with her backpack on.

This confessing stuff feels good so here goes nothing

Confession: I tried cannabis (aka medical marijuana).  Like the legit stuff -- sort of.  It is actually probably just like what you can get at the boardwalk on Venice Beach in LA.  Makes me miss visiting Jim and Megan there. But back to the point.  I did try it and I think it helped -- and that we are going to look into applying for an actual medical marijuana card.  In all seriousness, Eric and I did a lot of research before just jumping on the marijuana bandwagon  (which is practically an overflowing wagon here in Oregon).  Even though I am joking about it a little bit, it wasn't a decision that I take lightly.  Per our personal decisions, religion and lifestyle, we have chosen to follow what we refer to as the Word of Wisdom (read more in the link) which is a law of health and caution regarding what we put into our bodes, as well as how we use them.  confession part b:  because I have always been so good at or at least conscientious about taking care of my body, not using harmful substances, exercising, eating foods in moderation and trying to take care of this gift I've been given, I think getting such a harsh cancer diagnosis was (and still is) difficult for me to handle.  I feel/felt a little betrayed by my body for not giving back what I was giving it.  Anyway, both Eric and I feel that the use of the cannabis for the purpose of helping with managing side effects of the chemo is totally okay.  Can it be misused? sure it can, but I believe my heart is in the right place and if it can eliminate some of the yucky, I say why not? (Plus also, now you are all going to want to come visit to see what Amber on drugs is like)!

Pictures included for your enjoyment 

(and laughter at the screenshot I took of the texts between Eric and myself if you understand the significance of being worthy, keeping the word of wisdom and going to the temple....for the record we didn't make it to the temple, yet -- it is about a 2 hour drive one way to Portland and I didn't; have the energy, but I would have felt totally worthy going, even with having used the cannabis)

and one last confession just to lighten the tone a little bit.  confession:  I really do think my kids are cuter than yours and that my husband is really good looking -- and so we are going to get new family pictures done this week so that you can all ogle over our photogenic selves and tell us how ridiculously good looking we are.  You're welcome.  .