New sort of normal

right now I don't know anything.  

And NOTHING is normal.  

Unless normal is watching your baby scream and cry because you can't even pick her up. 
Unless normal is being 36 years old and having your parents take care of you again because you can't take care of yourself. 
Unless normal is puking and pooping at the same time and then talking about it on a blog. 
Unless normal is losing 12 pounds in 5 days.  
Unless normal is never getting any sleep because your mind will not stop. 
Unless normal is having a 14" incision up and down your abdomen.  
Unless normal is not being able to talk to anyone without crying. 
Unless normal is wanting to throw things and punch people in the face
(well that might be normal for me)
Unless normal is laying on the floor because it's easier to do then to get into the bed. 
Unless normal is being sick to your stomach 24 hours a day. 
Unless normal is meeting your outlandishly high insurance deductible of thousands of dollars in just 3 short weeks. 
Unless normal is taking a walk around the 7th floor of the hospital and being out of breath just 2 months after running a 1/2 marathon  at a pretty good pace. 
Unless normal is meeting a new nurse every 8 hours for 6 days straight and thinking that each one of them is your new best friend.  
Unless normal is spending more time going to and waiting at doctors appointments than you actually spend with your children. 
Unless normal is putting on makeup and earrings because even if you look like death warmed over you just want to fake it for a minute. 
Unless normal is wondering if praying is even worth it. 
Unless normal is having your heart so hurt that you don't even know how it could possibly not hurt.  

Is that normal?  

Maybe when you have cancer it is, but it doesn't mean I have to like it, or embrace it or give in to it.

I am just trying to adjust to what the new normal will look like for us.

Is the new normal me giving up all control? Because if so I sorta hate that.  A lot.  

And also, I really hate it when the cupboards get left open, when the kitchen floors aren't clean, when the dishwasher doesn't get started and when people put their heads on pillows that aren't meant for heads.  These thing are never changing and this will ALWAYS be normal.

So, forgive me while I try to come to grips with the new normal around here cause it's sort of a struggle.

Post Edit:  For those of you that don't know and love Eric like I love him you should know that he would do ANYTHING for me.  Anything to make this new normal go away.  So, when I tease about us fighting over heads on pillows and dishwashers getting started, I know that it is all me -- trying to cope with a hard situation in the best way I know how, and he is the most patient person on earth to put up with all the irrational conversations, requests, craziness and tears. He tries to help me see rationally, he apologizes (which he always does first -- like days before I do) and holds my hand and loves me through my crazy, which there has been plenty of lately. Honestly, he loves me like I don't always deserve to be loved and puts up with a lot more from me than trivial things like dishwashers an pillows -- and if we are being honest, It isn't really about heads on pillows or dishwashers--It's about fear and love and losing total control of the life I loved. 

And also, how exactly do I let go of that life........