Real Lame
So if all of you reading this blog think I always have a really great attitude, you should probably just stop now. Because truth of the matter, this is really crappy.
Cancer is the worst.
Sometimes I try to think of reasons why I would have cancer like did I eat the right foods? exercise enough? did I hold it every single time I needed to pee because I hate public bathrooms… What could it be?? I told my sister Kristin probably all this was happening because I was so used to serving other people and being nice to everyone else but have a really hard time with people being kind to me and doing things for me, so I guess the Lord has a sense of humor and is trying to teach me something. So next time you're being a dirt bag just think yourself "I'm just trying to keep cancer way!"
Everyone tells me to take this one step at a time. Well guess what? Sometimes one footstep is near to impossible, like when you are recovering from a surgery that successfully took out 12" of your colon, a huge 6" mass and an ovary along with who knows how many lymphnodes and then they say "can you wiggle your toes?" And you can't. You can't wiggle them or take a step. And nobody else can do it for you so you try to pee imto a bed pan but that doesn't even work, so you get a catheter.
Sounds dreamy right?
A few nights of peace and quiet (as if hospitals are ever quiet)
A good book to read while your 14" incision heals.
No meals to cook but even the hospital food is limited on your special diet.
People to come clean up after you when you've puked on the ground oh and help you shower. Goodbye dignity
I just want to be able to wiggle my toes in my own bed.
So please forgive me is sometimes I just want to cry and scream and rant and rave. And most likely punch someone in the face. Because really I would like to be home choosing which ice cream to eat and holding my baby on my lap. I want to be arguing over which Netflix movie we will start and never finish. I want to realize at 11 pm that ghe girls don't have clean church clothes and put them in the dryer for a quick fluff dry.
I just want back my normal, chaotic life instead of this real lame one I'm living now.
Rant over, please don't tell me to cheer up. I haven't lost the will to fight I'm just exhausted and needed to vent so I'm giving my bones and heart and brain a little break.
Cancer is the worst.
Sometimes I try to think of reasons why I would have cancer like did I eat the right foods? exercise enough? did I hold it every single time I needed to pee because I hate public bathrooms… What could it be?? I told my sister Kristin probably all this was happening because I was so used to serving other people and being nice to everyone else but have a really hard time with people being kind to me and doing things for me, so I guess the Lord has a sense of humor and is trying to teach me something. So next time you're being a dirt bag just think yourself "I'm just trying to keep cancer way!"
Everyone tells me to take this one step at a time. Well guess what? Sometimes one footstep is near to impossible, like when you are recovering from a surgery that successfully took out 12" of your colon, a huge 6" mass and an ovary along with who knows how many lymphnodes and then they say "can you wiggle your toes?" And you can't. You can't wiggle them or take a step. And nobody else can do it for you so you try to pee imto a bed pan but that doesn't even work, so you get a catheter.
Sounds dreamy right?
A few nights of peace and quiet (as if hospitals are ever quiet)
A good book to read while your 14" incision heals.
No meals to cook but even the hospital food is limited on your special diet.
People to come clean up after you when you've puked on the ground oh and help you shower. Goodbye dignity
I just want to be able to wiggle my toes in my own bed.
So please forgive me is sometimes I just want to cry and scream and rant and rave. And most likely punch someone in the face. Because really I would like to be home choosing which ice cream to eat and holding my baby on my lap. I want to be arguing over which Netflix movie we will start and never finish. I want to realize at 11 pm that ghe girls don't have clean church clothes and put them in the dryer for a quick fluff dry.
I just want back my normal, chaotic life instead of this real lame one I'm living now.
Rant over, please don't tell me to cheer up. I haven't lost the will to fight I'm just exhausted and needed to vent so I'm giving my bones and heart and brain a little break.
Oh Amber! You have every right to vent all you want. I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult time. Cancer does suck! I think instead on the bone crusher, your new name should be the cancer crusher! Just remember tomorrow is a new day. And hopefully a better day. My family is praying for you. I wish I could do more to make it better for you. But we will continue to pray for you! Big hugs!!!
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ReplyDeleteI think you are amazing. I don't know why you have to suffer, but I do know that reading your blog is so emotional and yet awe inspiring to many I am sure. You are so very sweet and selfless and it's people like you that changr other people in a positive direction. I wish more people were like you.
ReplyDeleteI think you are amazing. I don't know why you have to suffer, but I do know that reading your blog is so emotional and yet awe inspiring to many I am sure. You are so very sweet and selfless and it's people like you that changr other people in a positive direction. I wish more people were like you.
ReplyDeleteWhat is worse than getting a worm in your apple?
ReplyDeleteCancer!
What is worse than cancer?
The holocaust - well, maybe not if you have cancer.
You can't wiggle your toes because they took a "foot" of your colon.
What is a foot doing there in the first place?
People - emergency room staff, told me not to worry because it is just pain.
Hey - Forget worrying and take care of my pain!
Imagine, some people want physical pain to cover their emotional pain. As I get older that people (person) is me more and more.
Sorry, for all the pain. They tell me it will cause me to grow. You know they - right? "They" have the answers for everything.
So, whether you like it or not "they" say you are going to grow --- translation: PAIN.
Keep being Amber and try not to outgrow the rest of us.
Praying for a little less growth for you.
Your favorite Uncle,
Jeff
I've heard that finding out you have cancer or some other sickness, you go through the stages of grief just like you do when someone passes away. It's ok to be angry, it's ok to wonder why this happened to you, it's ok to be sad.......let your body feel and just take it one bedpan at a time :) 😘❤️Love to you
ReplyDeleteLove you! That's all
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ReplyDeleteRemember the Hulk isn't polite. Hulk smash! You have every right to complain. Vent! It's a good thing. We love you.
ReplyDeleteVenting is awesome therapy! Vent all you want, I know it sucks and sometimes we just have to let it out. We love you, Amber!! Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteLove you Amber... so sorry you have to go through this crud. Praying every prayer for you.
ReplyDeleteLove you Ber!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Amber! We're thinking about you and praying for you and your family. You're a fighter and will get through this.
ReplyDeleteI like to pretend to punch people in the face and the throat when they are lame! Also another one that works really well is pretending you have the force and you make them do what you want! Kinda like Darth Vader.... or Luke if you want to be a good guy!
ReplyDeleteI have finally learned that the ONLY way to handle deep emotion is THROUGH it! Stuffing it, ignoring it, being "strong" thru it is useless. Sadness is as valid an emotion as happiness. After one of my surgeries I broke down in sobs the likes of which I hadn't had in years. Gratefully Victor just held me while I cried. He told me later he was totally baffled by it, but guys aren't girls and it was OK. it rid me of my deep whatever and I felt majorly better. I am glad to see you can still talk about it because there will be lots more days like this! You rock!
ReplyDeleteOh Amber! I just love you! I think of you so often. I am going to take your advice and be a dirt bag more often ;)
ReplyDelete(((BIG HUG))) wish i could give you a foot massage, wiggley toes or not. unless you're not a foot person (i can't remember) as in a person who hates having their feet touched. and then i would just sit with you and watch something on hospital tv like Naked in the Wild or the Treehouses show - both of which I had never seen until they were the only shows on at the hospital during my c-section recovery. They were pretty fascinating. So much I am in awe about what people can do and create. And the olympics! Or we could laugh about our singles ward days and I could tell you how grateful I am for knowing you and learning from you and isn't social media crazy and wonderful and lame too, since we can keep in touch (wonderful) but never actually talk (lame).
ReplyDeleteI'm rambling. so here's another (((BIG HUG))) to you.
Yay for real talk. I love it Amber! Reality is wonderful, and no matter whether it's positive or a downer I still cry and pray! Thanks for the dose of harsh truth!!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you Amber and praying for you. It's tough to need so much. It's tough to feel crapy and not feel what you are suppose to be feeling. It's tough worrying about the future. The gospel keeps us grounded, but we are all real people experiencing our own Gethsemane sometimes of "understanding growth". Luckily you are not alone and you are well admired and cherished. I only have the greatest memories of you in Jerusalem and your family. Your life is a gift to so many and still is today. You are still helping others by sharing your life, no matter how real and hard it gets other people's faith, gratitude, and love are growing by you sharing and letting people serve. May you feel some relief and be surrounded by much love. Your life has purpose and a plan. Heavenly Father hears you and may your spirit stay strong and know you are accomplishing a special mission. May sharing the crap lead you to a lighter load to carry. Sorry, I am not as funny as your favorite Uncle Jeff, he is impressive! Mostly ((HUGS to you and your beautiful little family))
ReplyDeleteJoel's sister Gayle had the same cancer. Between family members and family she was never alone when she had her chemotherapy treatments. I sat with her on many of her appointments. We know how hard this is. We watched her get sick, cry and laugh through it. Cancer is crappy and it sucks ! I hate it ! It took my dad. He was stubborn though and wouldn't do radiation treatments. I am still mad at him ! Joel is with Nicki Madsen today at Huntsman Cancer Center. She is in a trial treatment. She posted in FB that she needed a ride to treatments. Joel jumped at the chance to take her, as we know firsthand how hard it is. We are praying for you and so are our daughters. We know this is hard. Try to take one day at a time, and remember you have tons of people rooting for you !
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